Friday, May 21, 2010

Because I want to guarantee my daughter a life of therapy...

Grumpy is convinced he's on candid camera. Or some secret show where people watch him all day and laugh. Kind of like the cruel and mean version of The Truman Show. He's pretty sure that I ask him to do things just so this fictitious audience can have their laughs for the day. Really it's not a bad idea. Aside from watching hours of him flying pretend planes complete with sound effects, an audience would quite enjoy a day in the life of Grumpy.

But I can't put him on camera. I am pretty sure that if our daily lives were recorded we'd be charged with "causing the insanity of a minor" or something like that. Someone would come to our house. They would see that we really do sort of torture our child in that "We are your parents and we don't care how awful we are" kind of way. She is bound to need years of therapy just to get past her pubescent years.

I was joking the other day about what I would say if I made a list of common phrases heard in our house. It made me realize that maybe we aren't normal. Not that being normal is all its cracked up to be. But still...maybe we could be a little less ...crazy?

Poor Brat. She has to spend at least a small portion of her day trying to convince her dad that she is not a lesbian. It never seems to work for her. In reality it's just funny to see her repeat it over and over. Don't look at me like that. What good are the preteen and teen years if we can't have a little fun.

But it did dawn on me that there are a lot of people in my life I might not want to show up at the house unexpectedly. They might not quite understand our humor. Some may think we were horrible for joking about homosexuality with our 11 year old daughter. To them I would have to say...suck it. Even she giggles about it.

Don't think it's one sided. Brat calls Grumpy a girl all the time. It's just not as funny because he doesn't defend himself. Besides we all know he's a bit feminine.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Can I bum a cigarette.....

So I left off with Nikki on my adventures of the world wide webtv. Man I loved that thing. But what sucked was that I had one. For the whole house. One little webtv and keyboard. Granted Brat was a baby so she didn't need it. But me and Grumpy sharing? Let's put it this way....we don't have a table right now, but there are 3 computers in our house. We DO.NOT.SHARE.

So I ventured out of that newbie chat room for webtv and I discovered a whole new world. I tried going in the local room but man were there a bunch of jackasses there. So I kept exploring. Then late one night I found a nifty little room called Happily Married. What an oxymoron. Seriously.

This group was a crazy bunch of folks. But they were welcoming and friendly. I didn't know when I started there that there were 3 distinct groups. The late night group which is who I first met. The morning group. And the daytime group. Very few people crossed over. You were among one group.

Well my first interaction was the late night group. So that's where I stayed for the most part. I introduced Grumpy to it and he became as attached to this room as I did.

I did crossover though. I became one of "those people". I ventured into various hours of the day.

Looking back I wonder what attracted me to most of those people. They weren't exactly normal. Or sane. Which may be the answer to my question. For a time in my life, I felt I couldn't do without them. Funny to think about now as I talk to very few of them on any kind of basis.

But we had cyber weddings, truth or dare, cybering...though that was part of truth or dare most times....a newsletter that grumpy started and I took over and redid and then it fizzled. I mean it was a whole life that existed in this little black box.

But nothing will ever make me forget that one day. I was out of cigarettes and money wasn't there for more. I was needing one bad. And I was chatting about it. And how bad I needed a cigarette. When this newbie that I didn't even know offered me a cyber cigarette. Well hell if it worked for weddings and divorces why the hell wouldn't it work for smoking. So we started talking.

That was 10 years ago. My daughters whole life time almost. And she is STILL my best friend. We talk daily. We know everything about each other. We've been through separations, divorces, babies, jobs, lack of jobs, good stuff, bad stuff. We've never met. Though I swear we will someday. But if I thought Nikki was a friend....Well that was NOTHING compared to this.

No matter how many times we've moved, no matter who was or wasn't in our never changed anything. When I lived at my grandmas, we sat up all night on the phone thanks to five dollar calling cards and watched CMT. When I travelled back and forth....we talked the whole way. She's the sole reason I got a headset for my cell phone. When Brat was diagnosed Bipolar it was her that I went to. No matter what it is...I know I can talk to her. Just ask her. Just the other night we discussed the inside of a vagina. Please don't ask.

I'm going to copy and paste what she said when we were discussing this very thing. It says it way better than I ever could.

"imagine, we always have someone somewhere, who weve never even met, but we always worry about one another and keep in touch no matter how crazy life is, through a billion moves and life changes weve been there for eachother, even without ever having met face to face....without the internet, neither of us would be who we are, and a lot of it was because of our friendship, as we walked eachother through the bad spots and rooted the other on through the good spots
in my entire life, Ive never had a friend thats lasted as long as you, and we can talk about anything, without shame or judgement"

That my friends is the truest friendship I've ever known.

And no matter what else happens in life. How we might lose touch for a while. We always find each other. And we always have 89. Aliens. And sooo much more.

Love ya Lynn!

I want your sex....

Remember the songs we grew up to? The stuff that was on the radio all the time. The videos we watched on MTV back when they actually showed videos. We had Madonna's Like a Virgin, George Michael's I want your sex, Samantha Fox with Touch Me and then for the really wild ones There was oooh me so horny.

So explain to me how a generation who embraced sexuality in our every day lives via music, grew up to raise kids who know so very little about their own bodies?? And how did we become so uptight about things that we view a little girl in a halter top or bikini as being "sexual".

I have mentioned before I answer questions by teens. I am serious people, our kids do not know ANYTHING about the good OR bad of sex. They don't know how to avoid being pregnant. They don't know that a kiss or a grope doesn't mean he loves them. They don't know ANYTHING. And its our fault.

And now we are punishing the little kids. Little girls. Innocent. Wouldn't know what provacative means. They can't dance or wear clothes that reveal skin. I'm surprised we don't reinstate the full body swimsuits of the olden days.

Ya see recently a few things have come to my attention. People are quick to make generalizations. I've seen kids who were doing an innocent yet time consuming activity referred to as provocative and sexual. I've seen people say that their parents should lose them. What were they doing you ask? They were dancing. They were also 7. They had no clue how adults perceived their dance moves. And *gasp* their belly buttons were showing.


This is why I have to inform teenagers every day that yes if you stand upside down in the bathtub but didn't use a condom you can still get pregnant.

But that's not what I fear most. I realize these kids are in danger of STD's and early pregnancies. That's a given. But that's not my biggest fear. Because at least I know they will eventually learn that stuff.

What I'm scared of is that we are raising a bunch of kids who are going to be afraid of their own sexuality. Ashamed of their bodies. Remember our parents? Grandparents? How they wouldn't even kiss or hug in front of us? Do we want that life for our kids? Yes there are limits. And it's on us to set them. But make them fair. Don't ruin the lives of these pure innocent kids.

Because self esteem and love of oneself and ones body....those things can not be replaced. And it takes years of therapy to repair them. Trust me, I know.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

To DO: Quit making so many lists

I am addicted to lists. Everything I do/plan has to be written out in list form. And I never run out of lists. I'm amazed that I don't organize my sex life into a to do list. It is just a small part of what makes me anal. When we were spring cleaning I had a very detailed list. Each night I'd cross off what we completed and completely rewrite the list for the next day.

It drives grumpy insane.

With homeschooling I've found it comes in handy to be a little obsessive compulsive. It makes my days go smoother when I have a list of assignments for the week already written.

I even make lists when I send Grumpy to the store. Which is like...all the time. That way he can't say he didn't remember something. Although he still does. But now I can come back with "BUt I made a list"

But how do you know when your list making is crossing a line? When it's mother's day and you set your daughter free in the dollar store with cash. And you open your gift and find 2 notepads, 4 pens and a preprinted to-do list.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my gift. Grumpy does not. He sees it as more torture as I plan the daily events of our life.

Poor Grumpy. Brat has started it as well. She's planning a sleepover. She has a notebook with guest list, food lists, game lists, movie lists, lists of what songs to play and on and on. She tells us daily how she's too busy for something because she only has 2 weeks to plan her party.

Grumpy is set for a life of misery. Pretty soon he will have a bathroom schedule.


Friday, May 7, 2010

The tried and true fitness plan

It's hard to believe as I write this that its been almost 10 years since I discovered the internet...10 years...almost my daughter's entire lifetime. And here I sit...hooked as always.

It was a summer day in Wisconsin when I first ventured online. I was of the poor variety, so my first taste test was on a webtv. For those who do not know what that is....feel lucky. It hooks up to your tv and phone line. You pay a monthly fee and you get internet access. Not full fledged computer access. Pages had to webtv friendly. And you could not download anything. There was no hard drive. But oh how I loved that webtv.

I ventured into a webtv for beginners chat room and that started what would ultimately change my life.

In that chat room I met Nikki. I'm using her real name because if for some reason she ever found this blog, I'd love to hear from her.

Nikki was purely awesome. We clicked almost right away and we chatted constantly. Nikki loved to dance and was going through a divorce. Her theme song was Believe by Cher. We created our own infomercial. Yes I'm a dork and I'm about to prove it.In our chatting we truly discovered the use of the acronym LMAO. But it struck us one day....can you REALLY laugh your ass off?

That's the beginning of our informercial. It was called Laugh Your Ass Off with Nikki. We had our speech down pat. What better way to lose weight than to do so laughing??

If it were indeed possible, I would have had the flattest ass in America. Because Nikki truly kept me laughing.

One day I was lucky enough to be traveling through Knoxville, and Nikki happened to live in Knoxville. So we met at a Waffle House. It was my one brief meeting with her. And she was just as awesome in person.

Somehow over the years Nikki and I lost touch. I ventured on to other chat rooms. One that would become a staple in my life for several years. I met other people both online and off. But I will always remember Nikki.

When I look back and picture those early days of internet, I imagine Nikki dancing around her house to Believe while talking to me on the phone.

And hopefully today she is sitting somewhere laughing her ass off.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I need a 12 step program...

I'm a sucker for contests. I am always entering them, though I rarely win a damn thing. But when the prize is a book....and not just any book but a book that has been labeled as funny....i'm so in! I love to read. My extremely large "to read" pile proves that. It also proves I don't often have the time to read. But that's okay. I will find time here and there.

Well Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka is doing a giveaway....for a great book she highly recommends. And since she is full of awesomeness and I value her opinion....and well since I'm a follower by nature and have to do what everyone else is doing...I am jumping on the bandwagon to enter her contest. And a quick blurb...if you've never read her MUST.START.NOW.

So for an extra entry I could show my life in pictures and then for an additional one, I can blog about who I would nominate for the nobel prize of awesomeness. Well you won't be getting pictures. I hate pictures of me. I refuse to have a whole post about pictures of me. Yuck.

So on to the next chance. Who would I nominate for the nobel prize of awesomeness? Well that's simple.

Al Gore.

What? Isn't he the one who invented the internet??

Well Okay....then whoever invented the internet. I seriously am addicted to the internet. I need a 12 step program. I tried one, but I lost it on the first step: Turn off the computer.

Really what could be more full of awesome than the internet?? I mean really? But since I guess I need to share my goes honor of the 12 step program I need, I will list 12 reasons why the inventor of the internet is my hero.

1.) I met one of my best friends in a chat room many moons ago. We have never met, but she is one person I can share anything with and vice versa. She's always there for me.

2.) I belong to a wonderful group of ladies. The Sisterhood of the Fancy Britches. These ladies go beyond awesome. Recently one of our sisters lost everything in the Nashville floods. As of right now, our group has raised almost $700 for her.

3.) Blogs. Need I say more? I mean I couldn't possibly get this much information from others around the globe without the internet!

4.) Facebook....the best way to communicate with family without having to actually interact.

5.) Email...I can do almost all of my contacting people via email. No need for phone calls. Great for a person who has phone issues!

6.) Who needs to have a phone book laying around? I mean my mom had an obsession with saving phone books. I'm the opposite. I hate them. Now I don't need them. I have google!

7.) Yahoo Messenger....because my mom didn't call me she can IM me too!

8.) Miss American Idol?? Want to know how everyone did? Just hop on the computer and watch the episode. Put it on, turn the monitor around and lay on the bed watching your favorite shows. Not that I do just sayin

9.) Shopping! I get much better deals on books on Amazon than I can get in the store! And then there is ebay. And what if I know I need to run to walmart and get something but I need to compare prices between other stores? I can do it all online!

10.) You can work from home...if you are like me, you can answer sex questions from teenagers who obviously know NOTHING for pennies a piece. Oh the joy.

11.) Craigslist....its like a giant online yard sale!! I've gotten many things from them and sold even more. I love it. I can list what I have and I don't have to set it up, price it and sit outside all day hoping people come!

12.) and finally.....photosharing...I get pics from all my friends and costly prices....and I can share the latest pic of Brat with whomever I choose. And if I just want prints to hang up...I upload them to the store and pick them up an hour later. Awesome!

So my award for the Nobel Prize of Awesomeness goes to either Al Gore or the guy who really invented the internet!


Because I can't be awesome all the time

When I was a girl I knew how my life would go. I knew exactly who I'd be and where I'd end up. I was going to be a writer/teacher because yes I loved Laura Ingalls Wilder that much. I was going to marry my dream man. I would have the white picket fence and the house full of kids. Did I mention I was going to be a writer. Writing was in my blood. I spent all my free time writing stories. I wrote the beginnings of my first novel when I was like the ripe old age of 11. And damn was it good.

Then life happened. I got married. I had a child. I never became rich...or even middle class. Hell I don't even think I qualify for poor. My white picket fence turned into a nice little mobile home that needs an assload of work. And if you count Brat's personalities and friends that are always here, I did get my house full of kids. I skipped the baking cookies after school because honestly it's best for the environment if I don't venture too close to the oven.

But none of that saddens me. I don't miss what I don't have. I don't long for more most days. Of course on an occasional day I might think of how nice the perfect little house would be. But I'm content with my home.

But the writer part. That makes me want to cry. I devoted so much of my childhood and teen years to writing. To expressing all my thoughts in stories and poems. In preparing for the future I knew I would have.

Yet I never did it. I rarely find myself writing anymore. Not for lack of desire. It's for lack of time.

Then it hit me. If I can find time to sit on facebook and find out cousin Johnny is mowing his lawn....why can't I find time to write?

Truth be known...others took that away from me. They criticized every time I wrote something because I was real. And honest. And it touched too close to home. It made people angry.

Well screw them. I may not always be the most awesome person on the planet. I have bad days. But writing is what is real to me. So screw the haters. It's easy to say that since I don't think I've given them the link to my blog. But even if they find it, screw them.

Starting this week, I am finding me again. I am going to start writing again.

And when I have the money of John Grisham and Nicholas Sparks...lets see how they like me now.

I don't have a clue what I will write. But I will make time for it every day.

It might be nice if I started here huh?


Sunday, May 2, 2010

I need you to take out someone for me...if you're know...busy

I admit it. I'm a self proclaimed mafia war junkie. For those who have no clue what Mafia Wars is, it's a facebook application. Instead of growing stupid plants and tending a garden, you rob people, beat their ass and sometimes kill them.

It's all in the fun. And I enjoy the challenges.

But even good things can go too far. And now they have.

You can get SMS alerts when your Mafia needs you.

Really?? It has come to this. I'm sitting down to dinner with my cell phone alerts me to a text...I read it and jump up to go help someone in a battle on a pretend game on facebook?

I mean I'm all about the fun and games. But there is a line that shouldn't be crossed. And this is it.

What if you are at work? Church? Your child's school play?

I mean facebook is cool. And yes I have it on my cell phone. And I enjoy it. But SMS alerts for Mafia Wars.

Let's all get sucked in further.