Sunday, February 28, 2010

Restraining orders are overrated...

So I'm headed to a Biggest Loser open casting call. Yes I am. I have been blessed with some great friends. One is putting me up for almost a week so I can be there for the actual day and then stay in case I get a call back. And the rest joined together to provide me a plane ticket to get there and back.

So Nashville here I come. I can't even begin to explain how excited and yet nervous I am all at the same time. Mostly excited.

So in true OCD fashion, I started researching things about Nashville.

Mostly things like where Tim McGraw lives.

As scary as it seems I found out...or at least I found out where someone else who apparently is obsessed a fan says he lives.

So would it be wrong to have my friend take me by there and sit outside until he emerges?? Or is it a waste of time? I mean is he on tour? Will he even be there? Will Faith have me arrested?

Speaking of Tim. This is how my friends announced to me that they had gotten together to pay to send me to Nashville

I mean really. I was so busy drooling over looking at the picture I almost missed the message.

Do those ladies know me or what???

If I disappear after March 11, send bail money.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Random comments from Brat....

Brat: Mom you have a girl stache

Me: Yes I know

Brat: Why don't you do something?

Me: I will, thanks for pointing it out

Brat: I have one too

Me: No you don't.

Brat: yes I do, feel this....

Me: It's fine

Brat: Can I shave it?

Me: no, you can not shave it.

Brat: But I don't want a girl stache

Me: If it gets bad I have a cream for it

Brat: You should use the cream.

brat: So the smooth away won't work?

Me: you should not use the smooth away on your lip

Awkward silence

Me: Brat, did you use the smooth away on your lip??

Brat: mayyyyyyyyyybeeeeeee


Friday, February 19, 2010

God eats mac and cheese

It's been a long day. Tomorrow is the girl scout Father Daughter dance. It's a yearly event that Brat and Grumpy go to. They walk in, sign in, have their picture taken and Brat runs off with her friends and Grumpy sits at the tables with the other dads. Such fun. Definitely worth the $15 I work hard to earn!

Every year we scour the thrift stores for the perfect dress. No I'm not paying full price for a dress she wears once until its prom. And we will see then! Today wasn't so bad. We found it at stop #2.

But oh how she wanted the straight, tight black dress with spaghetti straps. Oh how bad it fit. We went with another choice but she sure wasn't happy about it.

Then grumpy brings me ties to choose from. I look and they are red, brown, burgundy, blue....plaid, stripe, paisley....

Did I mention that his shirt is white with blue stripes and his pants are khaki? Really? Do you think those ties match? I believe God invented women so that men matched. I mean seriously. He would have worn one of those if it weren't for the fact I refused to purchase them kindly reminded him that he's not going to look like a fool representing me escorting Brat.

Speaking of God. I was in the kitchen and Brat was heating up some mac and cheese. She leaves for a minute and comes back and says how long has it been done?? I said I didn't know I wasn't paying attention.

"You were ignoring God's food? That's just wrong"

So apparently God is a fan of the Save-A-Lot brand of mac and cheese. Awesome.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

I must live under a rock

I don't get it. I seriously don't get it. Maybe my mind is warped. Maybe I need a big dose of some alternate reality to bite me in the butt. But I just. dont. get. it.

Apparently the movie The Princess and the Frog is bad. According to many Christian moms, it is not a movie they would let their child see. Oh they have one big glowing reason. It includes voodoo. Good voodoo and bad voodoo. So they are refusing to let their children watch the movie.


Now first my disclaimer before I rant. I don't think bad of anyone who chooses not to see the movie. That is your personal choice. You have a right to your opinion. I have a right to mine.

Oh and I might mention I haven't seen it yet, but I really want to.

Now back to the subject. Voodoo. Okay I can see that the idea of voodoo makes people a little nervous. It's a subject they may not want to tackle with their little one. Sure I get that. I suppose you also do not want to let your child watch the other Princess movies or Wizard of Oz for that matter. Right?

I mean witches? Do we really want our kids to think spells are okay? And don't use the line but they know its pretend. Witchcraft is not pretend. The way they play it on the movies is pretend. But witchcraft is very real.

So did you draw the line at Cinderella? Fairy Godmothers? Really? Talking animals? A pumpkin that becomes a coach?

Let's get real people.

None of the movies are all that great. For shits and giggles, lets talk about the other princess movies a bit. I'll try to keep it short.

Cinderella- A girl who is a nobody and a nothing until her fairy godmother provides her with material objects so she can go to the ball. She goes back to being nothing until the Prince comes and makes her important.

Beauty and the Beast-- A girl who agrees to become a prisoner of a man/beast just to get away from the boring that is her day to day life.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs- A woman who leaves home because of evil and ends up moving in with 7 strange guys. She becomes the maid and chef for them while they go earn the money. She is then poisoned.

Sleeping Beauty-- A woman is under a spell to sleep and can only be awakened by a kiss from her Prince.

Now are these the life lessons we want to teach our daughters? That they are no one unless they have the perfect man?

We can analyze them to death and realize how ridiculous and wrong they are on a moral level. Or we can accept that they are pretend, our girls like being a princess in their mind and we can enjoy the movie.

I want to see a Princess movie made where the lead is a ragged woman trying to mop the floor while kids run across it, with muddy feet of course, and then the dog pees on the living room carpet while she is finishing the kitchen. She cleans that up only to find dinner burning in the oven as her husband (the prince of course) walks in and says What's for dinner I'm starving. She orders a pizza, pops in some movies, cleans the mess, does the laundry, bathes the kids, gets them in bed, manages a kiss to her husband and then hides in the closet with a bottle of vodka and her laptop to blog about it all. To me....that says Princess if anything does!

Nuff said.

Editors note: after re-reading this I realized it came across as if I was targeting Christian moms. As I am a Christian mom I don't want to seem to be targeting them. It just so happens that the people I have read who are boycotting this movie do so because of their Christian values. Not all Christian moms are boycotting the movie. And even those who are aren't bad. I just don't get it.

Show me the money!

I belong to a wonderful close knit online group. These ladies are more like sisters than cyber friends. In so many aspects of my life, they have been there for years. To cheer me on, to hold me up and to cry with me. There are so many times I am not sure I would have made it without their love and support.

Now they want to kill me.

You see, beginning Monday, we have a weight loss challenge going on. So far there are 19 of us signed up. It is a 3 month challenge. We post our percentage of weight lost each Monday.

I'm very competitive.

I can't not do my best.

They've even sweetened the pot. It costs everyone $5 to join in. That is either $5 in money or a $5 amazon card code from swagbucks. The winner of the challenge gets all that.

Did I mention I like books??

So not only do I have to do my best because I'm OCD. But now I want that prize. Yes I want the weight loss more. That's what its really all about.

But cash?? Gift cards?? For the poor people, thats like super awesome.

So show me the money baby!

I feel blessed to have such a wonderful group of ladies to join this with me. To be able to share my challenges and victories with them. To know I have that support system.

They can't kill me! I'm here forever.

Hopefully several pounds lighter and several gift cards richer.

Sooooooo my losin it debut

This is my before pic. Taken a couple weeks ago. This is me at 367 lbs. I'll post a losin it post every monday.

Provided Jillian doesn't do me in.

And just for the record I had to agree not to become bulimic, anorexic or a drug addict to win. Seriously. There goes my crack plans.


There's no one else i'd rather die at the hands of...

I am a swagbucks addict. I use it all the time. I build up my bucks and trade them for Amazon gift cards. Now I'm not lucky enough to have a bunch of people under me making me bucks-- if you would like to be under me, let me know.

Wait a minute.

That's not sounding good.

Oh well. Anyways I normally save my amazon cards until I have enough to buy a few books. I like books. Better yet, I like expensive books. But I like expensive books I can't afford to buy. So I buy them with swagbucks. And don't think I'm not a bargain shopper. I buy the used books.

So I was saving my gift cards. And viola. I made an executive decision. I bought Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD.

I have it on good word that she is going to royally kick my ass. I will probably die a slow and painful death at some point in the next week. The neighbors will have to call 911 because Grumpy will be too busy learning to paint his planes to realize that I just keeled over in the living room.

It's not the same as her sitting on the rails of my treadmill yelling at me. But it will have to do.

So bring it on Jillian! I am ready for you. Okay no I'm not, but if anyone is going to kill me, I'd prefer it be you!


Monday, February 15, 2010

Sorry but no I'm not her

I had visions in my head from very early on as to who I wanted to be. I knew what my life was going to look like. Okay so maybe marrying the rich man and having a maid wasn't in the cards, but the important stuff I knew.

Well I'm not her. And by that I am not saying I am not the skinny blond at the beach in the bikini with the perfect full body tan. Hey this is the internet. I can say I'm her if I want to. though in reality I am sooooo not her

I was going to be mom. And I was going to be a great mom. The mom that baked cookies all day. The mom that had 4 happy responsible, respectful, well behaved children. The mom that sat in the floor and played dolls with her daughters. The mom that took her sons to sporting events. Yes I'm OCD. My even number of kids had to also include even number of boys vs girls. In my perfect world. I was going to hug and kiss all my kids all the time. I was going to be sure they knew how much they were loved. Life was going to be perfect.


I'm not her.

I don't bake cookies all day. Mainly because it's in the best interest of everyone involved. I can't bake. I can't stress that enough. Baking is just not in my abilities. I'll even be honest and admit that I don't even cook dinner hardly ever every day.

I don't have four kids. I don't have three kids. I don't even have 2.3 kids. I have one. Now if we include her multiple personalities I am like Mrs. Duggar. But if we only count bodies, I have one child. She isn't always respectful. We are working on the responsible part. But I figure she gets it honest. And always well behaved? Yea welcome to the REAL world.

I rarely sat in the floor and played. It's just not me. I can plan a million fun things to do. And we had occasions where we did crafts or even attempted baking. But I just wasn't a play with you type of mom.

The hugs and kisses took some getting used to. I'm a strange woman. I don't find comfort in hugs and kisses. I don't enjoy cuddling. I'm just not that woman. But I did make an effort with Brat and I say it worked. She is very comfortable with hugs and kisses unlike her mom. Except she's not into hugging me much anymore.

So I'm not her. Life is not perfect. My house isn't organized the way my OCD likes which is a daily challenge in my brain. There's a mess most times. My child misbehaves and yes even in public. I don't live and a nice two story house. Dinner is often cheap and easy. And the bills aren't always paid by the due date. But they get paid. And that's the important thing.

So I've had to make my peace.

I'm not her.

And I'm okay with that


Saturday, February 13, 2010

Weapons of mass destruction...

I was right and I knew it. I shouted it from the rooftops. I preached to anyone who would listen. After all, I am a woman and that is my job correct? Because isn't it a fact that we women are determined to always be right and we pity the fool who disagrees?

So it's no shock that when I declared I would never ever ever partake of the complete and utterly insane world that is facebook "fantasy" games, I meant it. You need nails for your barn raising? You are asking the wrong chica. Want me to see your pretty fish? Nope not going to look. Raising a zoo full of endangered species? Good for you. Just don't try to sucker me in. I am a busy woman. I have jobs. I have responsibilities. I already waste enough time on Facebook trying to play super farkle because o-m-g super farkle far beats farkle catch up with family and friends. I certainly don't need a stupid phony game taking on my time. I mean seriously. I barely have time to read blogs spend with my daughter. And you want me to participate? I don't even have the time for the notifications let alone the games. That's probably why when I finally cave and go to my notifications it takes me an hour minimum to go through and click ignore. I let them build until there are 200 of them at a time.

So then tell me how this rational, sensible, busy mom ended up absolutely freaking addicted to mafia wars??? I mean I literally sit in wait until I have more energy to do more jobs. I spend millions upon millions a day in building new casinos and buying new weapons. I constantly build up my fighting skills and attack many. Although I still can't pass off trying to be a hitman yet. I've moved up like 40 levels in a week. Seriously folks, this is bad. Do you know the high I get from icing a new foe? When does a 30 something mom get the opportunity to use icing a foe in a sentence?

And I can't just go in and play. I am OCD after all. So I started with the easy level jobs and had to complete each job in levels 1,2,3 then moved up to the next level and did 1,2,3 and kept going. I HAVE to master ALL the jobs in ALL the levels. This is taking me a while. I also constantly send gifts to my mafia and receive gifts in return.

I have even considered adding strangers to my facebook just to increase my mafia. The same facebook where I share family and girl scout pictures.

Today I realized just how bad it had gotten. A relative of mine joined a group for unlimited energy for your mafia man. So I went to the group.

Step one copy this link and share it on Facebook-- Nope not gonna do it. I want my free unlimited energy but not enough to make me look like the crack addicted psycho I am.

Step two become a fan of the page-- Well I MIGHT do that. Let's move along and see.

Step three- go this site to download the hack

So I go to the site. It wants to make sure I am a human so it makes me choose a quiz. I chose which twilight character are you. Hey might as well show my mental age here right? So I took the quiz. Well it wanted me to sign up to get the results.

Nope. Don't sign up for things.

Ok here's your link. Click to download.

My brain is going nuts. Noooooooo don't do it. Noooooooooo its a trap. Never ever ever click links to download stupid stuff like this. Do you not like your computer at all??? Come on back away slowly.

I clicked.

Sorry there was a problem with the download

Please stop it. You are seriously going to regret this. back away now and clean your computer. Pleaseeeeeeee.

Click again.

Sorry there was a problem with the download

Ok I give up. See I know computers. Not as well as grumpy. But I am well aware after years of being addicted a user, that you NEVER EVER click on one of those links.

Three hours later I'm cleaning the spyware off my computer.

All I wanted was free energy.

But hey, my notifications stay clean now. And with the exception of my mafia, I still click ignore.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

The many transformations....

Today was my day off. A self proclaimed day off. In other words, I decided I needed a day for me. So yesterday I went and picked up a bunch of craft stuff. And today was officially craft day. Now let me stress that I have NEVER painted anything before. Except maybe the basement I painted for 2 years in my old house and still only got 3/4 done. That aside, painting is new to me. Especially painting crafts. But I'm on a mission. And today was my test run.

I will say that one of the projects isn't horrible for a first time. The other...well let's just say it took many transformations before I finally admitted it sucked.

Then I made a neat little snack craft for Brat's class. They damn well better appreciate it after I sat for 2 hours on the floor making them.

Here are some photos.

My supplies are ready:

Then I had the templates I created in Paint Shop

Did you know if you pencil in the back then it works like carbon paper? You can trace the pattern! Thanks Lynn for that awesome tip!!

And now we have project one...affectionately called POS! LOL. It had many different looks before I threw my hands up and said damn I can't get it!

Look 1: that was bout we paint over it??

Ewwww no. I have a better idea....

I can NOT paint freakin circles....I give up

On to project 2....the template has been transferred:

Not perfect but far better than &*&^$&&* otherwise known as project 1.

Yes I know my border is messed up....remember its FIRST TIME.

Project 2 finished....its a picture holder that hangs on the wall!

Brat liked it!

Now for the school treats....I got this idea from A Little Tipsy and thought it was super cute...but holy wow at how expensive it turned out to be!

All in all it was a good day off. I only cussed a few times at project 1. And now I know what I need to improve for my next attempt.


Saturday, February 6, 2010

Yes I promise it's edible...

It was about a year and a half ago. I was going through one of my phases of desiring to be like these super cool moms who bake the most awesome desserts. Brat was having a birthday.

On my new bender of blog reading, I learned of Bakerella. She is like the Martha Stewart of baked goods. And she was taking the internet by storm. It was through a group of my cyber friends that I first learned of this Goddess and her super easy Cupcake pops.

I loved them. So I decided that I would make these awesome treats for Brat to take to school for her birthday. I mean wouldn't that make her the most loved kid in class? Her mom would forever be known as the one who brought that fantabulous dessert. So what could be the problem?

Oh yea, I can't bake. And even worse, I can't decorate what I baked wrong in the first place. But how hard could these super desserts be?

I started with the cake as instructed. And I must say it was thicker than 1 cm so I was off to a better start than most baking jobs I undertook.

Going good so far. It looks like a cake. It smells like a cake. Now I just have to make little balls. Even I can do that right? I mean I've made meatballs and such. It can't be too bad.

I definitely call that a success. Super easy. What on earth was I worried about? I mean I made the cake (from a mix) and I made the balls. I was rockin this baking job. Next step...cover them with chocolate and put them on their sticks.

At this point my confidence was soaring. Brat was going to have the best birthday treat in class ever. Mama was on a roll. Baking was now my friend. All I had left to do was cover them in white chocolate and then sprinkle them. I had bought styrofoam to place them in. Like a little cupcake pop bouquet.

What?? You mean I can get to the end and screw them up??? I mean putting a little white chocolate on them is TOO DAMN HARD??? Seriously?

Apparently so....

But don't get me wrong. Brat was remembered. My cupcake pops were most definitely remembered at least through the year. But not for the reason I would have liked. It seems that I got a hair in one. And that one happened to be the one her crush chose.

Now do you see why I say I can't bake?