My New Rules for Facebook

What the hell? The queen is posting? Something serious must have happened! After all, she hasn't posted in what amounts to centuries in the blogosphere.

Sorry folks. Life is taking its toll. I've had a lot to say, but I am always too tired to say it. So hey its 4:19 am and I am sitting here stewing over some recent developments...so I figure why not. Let's just get this out there.

There should be a completely new set of rules on Facebook. And they should work to make my own life simpler. And those who need to read them, should read them and go...ohhhhhh so that's how it's supposed to be. Some of it is DUH common sense kinda stuff. The rest, well let's just say recent events have led to this.

Here are my new and improved Facebook rules.

1. Let's just say this bluntly....If it's posted on Facebook it's fair game. Period. If you don't want opinions then don't post the shit. It's that simple. Because when you blast your comment as a status for all 3,456 of your closest friends to read you are in effect asking someone to comment. That is why Facebook has the comment feature. If you reply to my status, you are GUARANTEED a comment. Therefore, if you do not want to have to discuss the shit you have to say, keep it off of Facebook. Plain and simple.

2. If what you want is everyone to agree with you, join a cult, not Facebook. Chances are every friend on your list is not going to agree with what you have to say. This doesn't mean they do not like you. It means that they disagree with you. Most adults can do this maturely. If you cannot, turn off the computer and learn some basic social skills. If you do not want differing opinions and you are not among maybe 5 people on my friends list....go ahead and delete me.

3. If you are ignorant and spout of hatred, do not get pissy when people disagree or call you out on it. Drop the drama, stop acting like a victim and deal with it. You want to look like a jackass, then bend over and take it like a man.

4. If you do not want random people to judge what you say and do, and what you say and do could be considered controversial, don't post the shit on Facebook. Stop whining when someone you've never met spreads rumors about your life if you are going to write a damn novel and tell the world every messed up decision you have ever made. Keep some things to yourself. Otherwise, see jackass comment in number 3.

5. If everyone you meet stops liking you, you are likely not the victim. Get over yourself and learn how to be a grown up. There is no way that every single person on the planet could be bad and you are the sole caring individual on my friends list.

6. If you have something to say....go ahead and say it. Don't post vague messages meant to entice people to ask you what is wrong or what is good. The last time I checked only a handful people on my friends list were of the 12 and 13 age group. As an adult, you can easily say what the hell you have on your mind. If you expect me to beg for information, you are going to be disappointed.

7. Holy crow please read those silly "post this if you truly care" forwards before you post them. First off, I am RARELY going to post them. If that makes you think I don't care, then you truly do not know me. Most of them are stupid. They mean nothing. They are annoying. They clutter up my news feed and I read them 235 times in a day. Why repost? My friends have already read them a hundred times. But most importantly, please make sure that posting them doesn't make you look like a hypocrite. If you are judgmental asshole, don't post something about caring about others. If you are unemployed, don't post something about what your taxes are supporting. You look stupid. Pass it up. Ignore it. And if you post it, refer to number one.

8. For the love of all that is holy please quit posting about the troops and Casey Anthony. Both are being shoved down my throat to the point of my complete and total irritation. I am all about supporting the troops. If your spouse is in the military and you want to post....you are entitled and I don't begrudge you. If, however, you would rather eat a sweaty sock for dinner than get off your ass and get a job much less walk in a war burdened with hundreds of pounds of equipment, then please do not bitch at me for complaining when its 105 degrees because I'm not suffering the life of a soldier. And Casey is a bitch. Probably deserves to be in jail. But it's over. No matter how many porch lights you turn on or cute little trains you post, Caylee will not come back. Let it go man.

9. If you want to post information about religion, politics, human rights etc....even if it is blatantly obvious that you are choosing a side....at least make it factual...do not post propaganda that you heard from some nutcase in an attempt to make you look smart. Because there are ways to check facts. And I will. And then number one comes into play. And possibly number 2.

10. Limit the prayer requests. I am all about giving prayers and good thoughts when they are warranted. This doesn't include stubbing your toe or the smart ass you work with. If every other post is a prayer request, I tend to pass them by. I might miss an important one.

11. Don't make yourself look like a hoochie online. Especially if you have kids. For the love of God please put some clothes on. And do not pucker your lips. You look like a fool. I'd die of embarrassment if you were my mother.

12. Seventy-five percent of what I say is bullshit. I joke with everyone. Not just you. I am sarcastic. I am blunt. I am opinionated when needed. I look at Facebook as tool for connecting and having fun with friends and family. If you don't like what I say...tough cookies. I'm going to do me and I am going to do me well. Get over yourself and have a little fun.

I need you to take out someone for me...if you're not..you know...busy

I admit it. I'm a self proclaimed mafia war junkie. For those who have no clue what Mafia Wars is, it's a facebook application. Instead of growing stupid plants and tending a garden, you rob people, beat their ass and sometimes kill them.

It's all in the fun. And I enjoy the challenges.

But even good things can go too far. And now they have.

You can get SMS alerts when your Mafia needs you.

Really?? It has come to this. I'm sitting down to dinner with my family....my cell phone alerts me to a text...I read it and jump up to go help someone in a battle on a pretend game on facebook?

I mean I'm all about the fun and games. But there is a line that shouldn't be crossed. And this is it.

What if you are at work? Church? Your child's school play?

I mean facebook is cool. And yes I have it on my cell phone. And I enjoy it. But SMS alerts for Mafia Wars.

Let's all get sucked in further.

Weapons of mass destruction...

I was right and I knew it. I shouted it from the rooftops. I preached to anyone who would listen. After all, I am a woman and that is my job correct? Because isn't it a fact that we women are determined to always be right and we pity the fool who disagrees?

So it's no shock that when I declared I would never ever ever partake of the complete and utterly insane world that is facebook "fantasy" games, I meant it. You need nails for your barn raising? You are asking the wrong chica. Want me to see your pretty fish? Nope not going to look. Raising a zoo full of endangered species? Good for you. Just don't try to sucker me in. I am a busy woman. I have jobs. I have responsibilities. I already waste enough time on Facebook trying to play super farkle because o-m-g super farkle far beats farkle catch up with family and friends. I certainly don't need a stupid phony game taking on my time. I mean seriously. I barely have time to read blogs spend with my daughter. And you want me to participate? I don't even have the time for the notifications let alone the games. That's probably why when I finally cave and go to my notifications it takes me an hour minimum to go through and click ignore. I let them build until there are 200 of them at a time.

So then tell me how this rational, sensible, busy mom ended up absolutely freaking addicted to mafia wars??? I mean I literally sit in wait until I have more energy to do more jobs. I spend millions upon millions a day in building new casinos and buying new weapons. I constantly build up my fighting skills and attack many. Although I still can't pass off trying to be a hitman yet. I've moved up like 40 levels in a week. Seriously folks, this is bad. Do you know the high I get from icing a new foe? When does a 30 something mom get the opportunity to use icing a foe in a sentence?

And I can't just go in and play. I am OCD after all. So I started with the easy level jobs and had to complete each job in levels 1,2,3 then moved up to the next level and did 1,2,3 and kept going. I HAVE to master ALL the jobs in ALL the levels. This is taking me a while. I also constantly send gifts to my mafia and receive gifts in return.

I have even considered adding strangers to my facebook just to increase my mafia. The same facebook where I share family and girl scout pictures.

Today I realized just how bad it had gotten. A relative of mine joined a group for unlimited energy for your mafia man. So I went to the group.

Step one copy this link and share it on Facebook-- Nope not gonna do it. I want my free unlimited energy but not enough to make me look like the crack addicted psycho I am.

Step two become a fan of the page-- Well I MIGHT do that. Let's move along and see.

Step three- go this site to download the hack

So I go to the site. It wants to make sure I am a human so it makes me choose a quiz. I chose which twilight character are you. Hey might as well show my mental age here right? So I took the quiz. Well it wanted me to sign up to get the results.

Nope. Don't sign up for things.

Ok here's your link. Click to download.

My brain is going nuts. Noooooooo don't do it. Noooooooooo its a trap. Never ever ever click links to download stupid stuff like this. Do you not like your computer at all??? Come on back away slowly.

I clicked.

Sorry there was a problem with the download

Please stop it. You are seriously going to regret this. back away now and clean your computer. Pleaseeeeeeee.

Click again.

Sorry there was a problem with the download


Ok I give up. See I know computers. Not as well as grumpy. But I am well aware after years of being addicted a user, that you NEVER EVER click on one of those links.

Three hours later I'm cleaning the spyware off my computer.

All I wanted was free energy.

But hey, my notifications stay clean now. And with the exception of my mafia, I still click ignore.

It's like crack for sober people...

Your life is going along at a normal pace. You get the kids off to school. You either work, clean house or hell maybe just sit on the couch with bon bons watching Days of Our Lives. You manage to cart them to the many after school activities. Somehow you throw in a dinner, baths, and possibly some tv. Normal life. You only drink when the kids drive you insane occasionally. You don't imagine yourself doing drugs. The clubs and wild days of your youth are behind you.

And then it happens. You first experience it slowly. It seems kind of cheesy. You are curious though. After all, everyone you know has tried it. So you do too. "Is this all there is to it?" you ask yourself often. What's the big fascination? But, my friends, that is before you get your first high. It kind of makes you giggle like a school girl. Next thing you know, you just have to include it in your day. But you are mature and responsible. You do it a little at a time. But like an alcoholic, you are sucked in. Five minutes becomes an hour. That becomes two hours.

Pretty soon the husband is taking the kids to school because you were up until 2am. Dinner is Stouffers Lasagna. Hey don't knock it. At least you splurge on the good kind. You begin to wonder if you can skip those after school activities. And before you know it...you are spending hours a day with your new love.

Yes. It is THAT bad. It is the new crack for sober people. It will grab a hold of you and not let go. It will take hours of time away from your family. You will soon reconnect with those you knew "back in the day". And it will cause you to piss off everyone you know.

It is Facebook.

Do you realize how much time I spend on Facebook? Way more than I spend on other things in my life. I can't find time to color my hair but I can sure find time to make sure "the Jones" family is doing ok. Of course I could call "Mrs. Jones" and ask. I could even visit. But no. It's much better to keep up to date with them via status updates.

Now in my defense, half of my Facebook time is spent surfing through the billion and a half notifications from Farmville, iHeart and other such irritating applications. I mean how can I know that my friend went to the dentist today and survived if I don't check in. How can I show the world that I support my mother, father, bra size, friends, troops, doctor and local mall? I MUST check in on Facebook.

At first I laughed. Oh yea, I'm really going to tell people every move that I make. Then one day I realized I had become just like them! Suddenly if I had a blister on my foot I must announce it to Facebook. But I have to be careful. My daughter is on there too. As are all her friends.

Facebook is absolutely the greatest invention on the planet. I know what my family is up to and I don't even have to interact with them!! What kind of perfection is that!!! Sometimes I find out what my mom is up to and she's temporarily residing down the hall. It's genius.

But that doesn't take away from my absolute HATRED of Farmville, Restaurant City, and all the other nonsense games that auto post every flipping thing my friends do in the game. With close to 200 friends that can get really really annoying.

But farkle and bejeweled blitz totally make up for it.

So I admit it. My name is Queen Bee and I'm a facebook addict. It's not just for teenagers anymore.