Sorry but no I'm not her

I had visions in my head from very early on as to who I wanted to be. I knew what my life was going to look like. Okay so maybe marrying the rich man and having a maid wasn't in the cards, but the important stuff I knew.

Well I'm not her. And by that I am not saying I am not the skinny blond at the beach in the bikini with the perfect full body tan. Hey this is the internet. I can say I'm her if I want to. though in reality I am sooooo not her

I was going to be mom. And I was going to be a great mom. The mom that baked cookies all day. The mom that had 4 happy responsible, respectful, well behaved children. The mom that sat in the floor and played dolls with her daughters. The mom that took her sons to sporting events. Yes I'm OCD. My even number of kids had to also include even number of boys vs girls. In my perfect world. I was going to hug and kiss all my kids all the time. I was going to be sure they knew how much they were loved. Life was going to be perfect.

Not.

I'm not her.

I don't bake cookies all day. Mainly because it's in the best interest of everyone involved. I can't bake. I can't stress that enough. Baking is just not in my abilities. I'll even be honest and admit that I don't even cook dinner hardly ever every day.

I don't have four kids. I don't have three kids. I don't even have 2.3 kids. I have one. Now if we include her multiple personalities I am like Mrs. Duggar. But if we only count bodies, I have one child. She isn't always respectful. We are working on the responsible part. But I figure she gets it honest. And always well behaved? Yea welcome to the REAL world.

I rarely sat in the floor and played. It's just not me. I can plan a million fun things to do. And we had occasions where we did crafts or even attempted baking. But I just wasn't a play with you type of mom.

The hugs and kisses took some getting used to. I'm a strange woman. I don't find comfort in hugs and kisses. I don't enjoy cuddling. I'm just not that woman. But I did make an effort with Brat and I say it worked. She is very comfortable with hugs and kisses unlike her mom. Except she's not into hugging me much anymore.

So I'm not her. Life is not perfect. My house isn't organized the way my OCD likes which is a daily challenge in my brain. There's a mess most times. My child misbehaves and yes even in public. I don't live and a nice two story house. Dinner is often cheap and easy. And the bills aren't always paid by the due date. But they get paid. And that's the important thing.

So I've had to make my peace.

I'm not her.

And I'm okay with that

One of the seven deadly sins...

I'm guilty of it. Envy. It colors me green more often than I'd like to admit. I see people living their lives, seems as if nothing is wrong in their life, and I envy them. I see kids who have it all together. And I'm envious of their parents.

I'm still living waiting on my dream. The whole house/white picket fence I don't necessarily need. But I'd sure like to have stability and maybe a dinner out once in a while.

What I wonder though is if this makes me a bad person. As if I'm not happy being who/where I am in life. I mean does this mean I am selfish. Or that I regret things in my life?

I don't dislike my life. I just wish to improve it. Yes there are some things I want to be different. Not because I'm selfish, but because things like paying the bills on time would be nice.

Hmmm maybe I'm thinking too deep on a Saturday night. What do you think?